So I’ve been meaning to start a couple of blogs this year, but I haven’t done it yet. Like a lot of things I haven’t done - or finished. I figure I should just start now.
This has been the hardest school year I have had yet.
Alone, unsure, unstable, overwhelmed, rushed, stuck, unqualified, misunderstood, negative, vapid, etc.
For the past few weeks, maybe months, I have felt at least one of the above at least once each day. I have always been a positive, energetic, and fun-loving person but these days it is so hard to be that girl. I still smile, I still laugh, but I do not feel like I am moving forward.
I used to be able to balance dozens of tasks each day while stimulating my passions and nurturing hundreds of relationships. I now find it hard to feel like an adequate friend or productive person. I don’t remember the last time I finished something completely on time. I avoid doing things that I should be doing. Whether I’m alone or with friends.
I turn down opportunities to be with friends. I sleep a lot. I usually think someone is mad at me, annoyed toward me, or has decided they no longer want to be my friend.
My life could really go anywhere after this semester. I have so many options. I don’t know how to choose. I want someone else to choose for me.
If I keep up with this lack of productivity then I guess CMU might make my choice easy and keep me Mount Pleasant a little longer. I’m really afraid of that outcome. But here I am, writing this post rather than filling out my weekly calendar, reading my textbooks, studying for my exams, writing a paper, or emailing one of the professors I have been avoiding. I don’t know how I got in so far above my head, but I’m running out of air and I’m afraid of what could happen next.
This school year is like a final exam that I thought would be multiple choice, but turned out to be fill in the blank for the first 10 questions and ends with 80 short answers. I still haven’t looked at the back page… I think there might be an essay.
Hopefully it’s just extra credit.